Thursday, December 15, 2011

You don't know me, son, so let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me, and you'll be armed.

"I wish you would never forget" - Kate Nash

Okay this is going to be another dump of thoughts. I know I probably over load all y'all when I do this but sometimes that's how it goes.

Here's to the serious stuff...

I'm currently sitting in the, almost year old, MC on campus, over looking the newly opened, almost finished Smith quad. I know I'm going to miss this place. No matter how many times I have cursed the 'Burg, for varying reasons of course, it's become my home. I think I have changed almost as much as campus has the four years I've been here. I walk for my associates tomorrow. I know I'll be back for my Bachelor's (I'm almost done with it anyway) but I still can't help feel a certain sadness. From where I sit I can see the path that I walked for 9 months to my dorm and to class. The parking lot where so many adventures happened, the gate to my dorm. The path that I still walk to get to my apartment. The doors of the Smith where I waited for Georgia Boy almost every MWF Winter semester because we had class at the same time. The very, very different looking path that Han, Seabass, Gecko, and I would take to go play volleyball. Even looking at the MC eating area, I might not have a lot of memories on this floor but it's where I pass through to try to keep warm from the freezing weather. Where I met with so many friends to go do other things. I can see the top of the Spori building where I go when I'm all but ready to scream my lungs out from the frustrations because the student art relaxes me. (yes I'm weird, but if you haven't gotten that yet that's your own fault).
I'm going to miss this place so much, even though most days the only thing I want is out. I have so many people I care about up here. From those I know because of working in the HR office, to friends I've made, to anyone else. This has been my life for 4 years. This has been my refiner's fire, taking a very immature, tortured (not as bad as most but still), confused, selfish, scared, bottle up all those feelings 18 year old and changing her into a still slightly immature, less confused, a little more selfless, brave, communicating, a little less haunted, vibrant, confident, stronger in the gospel of Jesus Christ 21 year old. I know I'm about to step into an even greater refiner's fire, but that is for the future me. The past me, the NOW me, is just that, me. I'm happy with who I am now. I still have a lot of room for improvement but I don't hate myself anymore. I don't feel like I have to be perfect for people to like me. It's okay to show imperfection, because those that are bothered by it don't see the real you. And why would you want to be around people like that?
I'm happy. I think I've finally applied the greatest lesson this university has been trying to teach me from day one. When you become active in the gospel you are happy. When you understand and apply the Atonement, in all of it's umph, you have the greatest capacity for joy. I'm to that point. This semester has had it's up and downs but I do believe over all it has been my happiest. Especially the past two weeks. Why? I've ready my scriptures almost every day, I've studied Preach My Gospel with Allie Cat almost every Sunday. I've been active in my calling as RS teacher. I have prayed with real intent every night. I've kept a gratitude journal. Basically I've allowed the light of Christ into my life. And what a light that is. I am proud to say that I am a Latter-day Saint, Mormon, one of them crazy people, which ever you know us by. I am a proud member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
That is the greatest thing I have learned in all of my university studies.
I will miss this place.


Jaime Comer said...

Love you Kanani! Hope to see you in the MTC at the same time! Who knows, maybe we will even have the same mission call!!!

kwistin said...

gosh, we're so similar.

thank you for being the shining example you are. i'm very proud of you.

and, as i've realized while talking with my coworker for the last half an hour, that you don't have to be physically moving somewhere to be developmentally moving lots of places.

so now that you've developmentally moved so much, this physical change will be another amazing experience. and then...... :) a WHOLE slew of new experiences. in every sort of way.

we are in a constant change of "becoming". how awesome is that?!

Lynn said...

Can I quote you on facebook, the part you wrote about the atonement?

Sara said...

isn't it amazing the way graduating opens your eyes?! i'm glad you blogged about it, to remember what you're feeling right now.

congrats girl! i'm so proud of you!!

Kanani said...

Dear Jamie, That would be awesome beyond belief!!! I open my call tonight!!!

Dear Kwistin: It's so awesome!

Dear Lynn: Yes you may!

Dear Sara: Thank you Sara!

Love, Kanani