Saturday, July 16, 2011

There ain't no other step than one foot right in front of the other

"Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life." -Seneca

Don't worry this is not a post about Harry Potter 7.2. I'll let people actually see it before I review and tell the story of the day. Which thanks to Kwistin was a wonderful day and a great distractions from Hospitals.

I realized a few days ago that I am horrible at follow up blogs. I'll write down a goal and never actually tell you how it's going, or went. So that's what this post is about, my summer goals.

Goal number 1: Become more decisive. I think this goal is going well, but I'm not so sure... ha ha I'm funny. Basically I had forgotten about this one. But the more I talk with Georgia Boy the more I'm deciding stuff.

Goal number 2: Become more religious. *cough, cough* Um... well it started off well. I was happily reading the book "Strengthening Our Families: An in-depth Look at the Proclamation on the Family" in April, then May happened. I begrudgingly kept reading then kinda petered out in June. However I started reading it again at the end of June, then changed my routine so now it's my Sunday reading. Instead I'm reading the Book of Mormon every night. It's my goal to finish by the start of school, so September 12th. So far I am on 2 Nephi (don't think I zoomed through 1 Nephi, that was my reading during the Sacrament for the past three months.) I figure if I'm really ambitious and can keep to a break neck speed I can finish by the 20th of August. However, I know that won't happen so I'm trying to read at least two chapters a night. I'm actually loving it. I don't know if it's because I'm older since the last time I actually decided to study the Boom of Mormon by myself, or that I have been reading more difficult stuff lately but I have been getting so much out of the chapters. It's great.
Also I was called as Sunday school teacher! I've been wanting this calling since I was a freshman! I was super excited to teach the New Testament because I've been there. However, the Lord is keeping me humble teaching Preach My Gospel. My first lesson was okay. Not how I wanted it to go but it'll get better, I hope.
Nightly prayers have become more sincere, morning prayers are still struggling to get said.

Goal number 3: Have a more consistent schedule. *cough, cough, hack, hack, cough*

Goal number 4: Gain weight. I actually have no idea how this is going. I forgot to weigh myself at the beginning of the summer and I don't even know were the scale is now that we moved.

Goal number 5: Eat breakfast without feeling sick. Actually this goal has worked... or at least when I was eating breakfast.....

Goal number 6: No water works. Well the month of April and May there were plenty of tears. An impending break up and then it actually happening were at fault. Don't worry, we got back together (best birthday present ever). I should probably explain why I set this goal a little so the next part makes a little more sense. I have somehow gotten it into my head that it's not okay for me to cry. It's totally legit for everyone else to, just not me. I don't know if it was all the tough women warrior books I read since I was little but that was the idea in my head, and I hated to cry. Literally. i would beat myself up mentally every time for showing "weakness." There's the reason and here's the next part.
A few weeks ago in Relief Society we were talking about how great righteous women are. The teacher had someone read a quote about different gifts that we don't usually think of as gifts. One of them was the gift of weeping, or crying I forget the exact wording. Then we had a discussion that without accepting your current gifts you can't strengthen them and become stronger altogether. This really hit home so I have spent the past few weeks accepting this part of myself. The funny thing is that now that I have started to it's a lot easier not to cry. I still have situations where I want to but it's a lot easier not to turn into a blithering idiot. Go figure ha ha.

Goal number 7: Find joy in the internship. I was doing so well, and then I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Not doing so well now.

Goal number 8: Get a tan. Yay! This one is going great! In May I helped out with a yard sale and got toasted. That mostly turned into a nice tan, with some sad tan lines yes but still. Wearing shorts all the time is also helping the legs. Time in Moab also helped ( I still need to write about that...). It's funny, the more I wear shorts the less I care about what people think of my white/sometimes not perfectly shaved legs. Yay for self-esteem!

Goal number 9: Yard work. This did pick up alot when I got my ipod back. However moving scared my motivation away. However since Georgia Boy is going to come down for a good long while to help with yard work, I'll probably find motivation again. =}

Goal number 10: clusters. I'm defaulting to CIT and automotive tech. I'm signed up for both beginning classes in the Fall. We'll see if I'm as good at programing as I hope I will be, and as interested in mechanics as I think I am.

Goal number 11: Resurrection of social life. This one is going quite well too. Home evening with the ward every Monday. Going to a pool party at least once a week. Sunday night gospel study sessions. Movie nights are picking up, seriously. Mal and I are actually starting to have social standing and influence. Random outings with friends. Talking to more than just high school friends/acquaintances at church. Rooftop concerts every 1st Friday night.
A side effect of this, or a precursor...I'm not sure, is that I'm trusting people with I guess.
Think about it. What kind of relationship do I have with you (if you know me from real life)? Mostly you come talk to me about your problems or to vent or something like that right? I'm the friend with advice, a shoulder to cry on, with a big hug, and huge smile. Sounds about right huh? Now think about me. What are my favorite colors? Favorite genre of books? When's my birthday? All the surface stuff that's easy to know right? (Emerald green and ice blue, fantasy/sci-fi, and think about it. Just incase you didn't know)
Now think about these questions: Do you know how much I worry? How much I'm afraid of marriage? How much I just want to be liked by those around me? How much of a geek and book nerd I really am? Did you know that Georgia Boy and I broke up? Did I tell you my da has cancer and how much that scares me? What are some of my deepest fears?
Don't know the answers? You're just like everyone else, mostly. However, I'm starting to let myself out. No longer am I looking at certain people and saying "Wow, you're amazing. I have to be perfect to be your friend. Show no weakness, Kanani. No one really wants to hear it anyway." Now it's more of a "Yes, that person is amazing, but so are you. They care about you, it's okay to show not everything is awesome."
It's been hard to let people in. Especially with past experiences. I still down play a lot of stuff like it's nothing, even though I'm freaking out inside. But it's a process right?

Anyway. That's the update of the summer goals. Mostly this was written because my body woke me up at 5:30 this morning and laughed maniacally when it wouldn't let me go back to sleep. Partly because I want to be better at follow ups.

Gotta blaze!